We Are Finally Saying Times Up

Times Up


I’m disgusted and outraged as I write this and for multiple reasons.  The “Times Up” movement has been going on for a bit now and we (the Church) is just now jumping on the bandwagon.  I’m disgusted by this in so many ways.  We should have been leading this movement, not part of the problem.  Over the past week a series of events have occurred that has put the SBC (Southern Baptist Convention) in a place  where they are going to have to make a decision.  So let’s start at the beginning…. ok,  not exactly the beginning, but farther back than a week ago.

In 2014, at the Awakening Conference Dr. Paige Patterson (who his the president of the Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary) referred to a 16 year-old-girl as being “fine” “built”.  Also, as of the writing of this blog, he has not denied that he would counsel women to stay in abusive relationships.

I’m outraged and apparently are another 200 women from North Carolina who  have written an open letter to the SWBTS Board of trustees regarding taking action against this.  How can we be the representation of Jesus and allow abuse to take place, let alone individuals in leadership.  WE SHOULD BE LEADING THE TIMES UP MOVEMENT! NOT PART OF THE PROBLEM!

Instead, we have to write open letters to openly ask a board of trustees to remove a misogynistic individual who encourages women to stay in abusive situations.  THIS IS NOT WHAT JESUS IS ABOUT.  NOT EVEN FOR A SECOND!  Jesus called us to love others and help the least of these, not prey on them, abuse them or stay silent because its easier.  And Jesus got absolutely outraged times when He saw things that were blatantly wrong! The time for turning our heads and ignoring the problem is over.

For years abuse has been perpetrated from individuals within the church and within leadership.  How do I know this?  I experienced it.  And if you’re involved in a church then you probably know someone who has too.  Throw a stone and you’ll hit someone. I know people personally who were molested by youth pastors, were told by their pastor to stay with their abusive spouse.  I can say from personal experience that I told my senior pastor’s wife about my verbal abuse that my mother did to me.  I didn’t even mention the physical abuse, that was too embarrassing.  But I knew she saw how my mom spoke about me and to me.  She did nothing.  She empathized, but did nothing.  When I was in college I could not longer take my mother’s emotional and verbal abuse (the physical abuse had ended at this point because of an event where I fought back – but that story is for another day).  I called a meeting with our pastor and my parents.  My pastor said he only wished he could still argue with his son, but he had died the previous year.  He too did nothing.

I told family members for years about the physical and emotional abuse, but no one did a thing.  Each person I reached out to claimed to be a follower of Jesus.  Abuse exists, within the church, within it’s volunteers and leaders.  “The Church” has either chosen to close a blind eye or be the perpetrators.

Friends, let us rise up!  Let us stand hand in hand with these 200 women.  When we see abuse, let us address it!  Even if we suspect, let us ask questions and look out for one another.  We are not to hide it under the rug.  The blog Crying Out For Justice wrote a beautiful article explaining the SBC situation in better detail as well as Beth Moore’s blog explaining why she hasn’t addressed the issue sooner.  She also explains why she can no longer sit by and watch what happens.

Friends, let’s create a movement of #thechurchsaysnomore.  We can do this.  We can do better, and we can start today.  Have we screwed up in the past?  Yes, but let’s start taking action now!


The Outraged Inappropriate Pastor’s Wife





Hello friends! We all like a good deal, especially a BOGO.  I mean who is going to say no to a free pair of shoes, extra dress…..pastor’s wife.  O wait, has that last one confused you?  Well that’s because you might not be aware, but your church is getting a BOGO.  They hired the pastor and the bonus is his wife.  You may think that seems like a stretch, but let me explain why it’s not.  Your pastor had to go through an interview process that was probably pretty extensive.  And his wife…. well she probably had to go through it to.

My husband has been hired a few times and each time we go through the process, I get brought in to interview as well.  They want to know where you stand theologically, and that you align with them.  They may or may not state their “expectations” for you during that interview, but you better believe there will be expectations.  You will be expected to follow the same guidelines that your husband was given regarding drinking, using tobacco and cursing (in case you’re confused… refer to earlier posts).  Your blessed pastor’s wife is expected to be there each and every Sunday morning, Wednesday night and whatever other events are going on that week.  If she misses even one event, you better believe she will have received a slew of texts, calls and the Spanish Inquisition as to why she wasn’t in attendance at whatever (fill in the blank) event occurred that evening.

But it’s amazing…. because that woman somehow doesn’t get a paycheck.  The church will respond and say that they hired her husband and not her.  Friends, this is what I affectionately refer to as “the BOGO”.  If she’s a youth pastor’s wife, she will be at every youth event.  If she is the wife of a worship pastor, she will be expected to sing on stage.  She doesn’t have “that spiritual gift”?  No problem, she can work the sound board or volunteer in the children’s ministry.  If she’s a senior pastor’s wife…. well that woman will more than likely be at the beck and call of every needy person in your church and be expected to run the women’s ministry to boot!  Never mind the fact that she might work a part or even full time job and have children.   No, she might not work a full 40 hour week like her spouse, but she’s definitely putting in the time.  So although it might not be a buy one, get one free….. It’s definitely a buy one, get one 50% off.

So the next time you see any pastor’s wife running around on a Sunday morning or maybe even trying to hide in the corner, buy her a gift card to any of the following places and don’t ask her to share or tag along:

1.) Starbucks

2.) Lunch to … anywhere

3.) Target

4.) A massage

5.) Wine or a gift card to the local liquor store

Thanks for reading, and go do something nice for that “BOGO” in your life.


The Inappropriate Pastor’s Wife

7 – Eleven is a Gas Station

7 elevenFriends, I have to be honest…. I feel bad for worship pastors (don’t worry – teaching pastors you will get your day in the sun).  If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone complain about “worship”, I would have paid off my blessed student loans by now.  God made us all different and unique .  We all have preferences, and that’s a beautiful thing!  We would be boring and so much less fun if we all had the same preferences.  But…..there is a point in time where your preferences are not what it’s (Church) about.  You can not make everyone happy because we are all different and have different tastes.  Here are just a few of the phrases that I often hear regarding church worship:

  1.  He or she (heaven forbid we have women pastors – don’t worry we will get to that too) don’t sing enough hymns, or do too many.
  2. It’s too loud or too quiet.
  3. It’s not my style.
  4. That is a 7 – eleven church.

I didn’t know what that last one meant when I first heard it.  I assumed the church had a gas station attached to it.  I was kind of hoping that it meant they had slushies at their church.  However, the response I got when I asked what it meant was, “It’s when you sing the same seven lines, eleven times.  That’s not worship music.”  I’m sorry, let me just insert eye roll here.

Help me understand something….. when did worship music become about us?  Because last time I checked it was about Jesus Christ; the Savior of the world.  I didn’t realize that church was about me and my preferences.  If that’s the case, I would like to know where I can sign up for pedicures while I sit in the pew and a fresh blow out during Sunday school class.

I have heard people say, “we left such and such church because it just wasn’t our sort of style of music”.  I’m sorry, “say whaaaaaaaaat??!”  You didn’t leave because of inappropriate teaching or lack connection to community?  You left because it wasn’t your worship style?  Folks,  let’s whip out that Bible and find where it says we should attend the church that meets our perfect worship style, or leave based on that criteria?

We all get to have preferences, again, that is NOT WRONG OR BAD.  But, what’s not ok is when you decide that your preference of worship style is the correct one.  And when you put down others preferences, you are not honoring the Bride of Christ.  That is not lifting up and encouraging your brothers and sisters.  I don’t know how to put this any more gently, but …… it’s not about you or me.  It’s about Jesus.  It’s about serving and worshipping collectively with our brothers and sisters.

So the next time you see a worship pastor… would you do them a favor and encourage them?  Because more than likely they just had to endure an individual tell them what they didn’t like, and that’s certainly discouraging to hear.  Colossians 3:14 (NLT) says, “Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.”  Listen, I get that “7 – eleven” might not be your style, but that doesn’t mean that we get to make church about us.  At the end of the day…. it’s about Jesus.


The Inappropriate Pastor’s Wife


Good Friends Are Like A Fine Wine


Good friends are like a fine wine….o wait, except for the fact that we aren’t allowed to drink. See, I was raised in a Christian home that also drank.  I always thought drinking wasn’t a sin unless you got drunk; that was until I married a pastor that was part of another denomination.  I was informed while we were engaged that drinking was not something to be done or even talked about.  It was such an interesting transition for me as I was navigating new waters into this world as a pastors wife and what I was allowed to do and talk about and not.  This one really threw me for a loop and when it came up in conversation when people asked about the subject it was also a hold your breath moment.  I once heard a person in leadership say, “If it takes you 6 drinks to get drunk and you have 1 drink then you are 1/6 of the way drunk”. Now this really perplexed me because for some reason we had lots of people that struggled with the sin of gluttony and yet we weren’t addressing that issue from the pulpit.  So my question that I would ask (myself of course) is if it takes you 6 cheese burgers to be a glutton and you eat 1 cheese burger – are you 1/6 of the way a glutton?  Well of course not.  Because that logic is asinine.

So, I have a glass of wine in private with my closest friends.  Now, please don’t misunderstand me, if you have a brother or sister in Christ who struggles with alcoholism – don’t drink in front of them.  That is what Paul was referring to in Romans 14 about not leading a brother to stumble.  Jesus turned water into wine.  He wouldn’t have done that if it was sinful.  Jesus didn’t do this to cause us to sin; in fact He did the exact opposite.  So why, for all the wine in Italy…. are we completely abstaining from alcohol?  Because it’s legalism.  And friends, legalism is not what Jesus is about.  Not even for a hot second!  He came into the world and brought grace, not rules.  So sit back, have a glass of wine (unless you struggle with it) and relax.  It’s going to be ok.


The Inappropriate Pastors Wife



Can we just take a moment and address the hypocrisy?  I mean I do go to church and love Jesus and pray with you at church, but …. the moment that I screw up and accidentally curse, the elders are notified.  I’m so very serious right now.  I found out later on, but some one actually went and told the elders that I slipped up and cursed.  I literally don’t remember when it happened.  I had no idea.  I racked my brain for hours trying to figure out what I could have said or who(m) I may have offended.

It’s ironic isn’t it?  Instead of handling it in a “Christ-like” manner and coming to me directly to inform me of my dirty language and condemning behavior… they went and told my husband’s bosses.  Because that obviously is how mature Christians should handle things.  Friends, I truly struggle with loving the “weaker brother”.  I wish I could have known whom I had offended.  Believe it or not, I would actually have apologized to them.  I probably would have said I’m not perfect and have areas that I’m working on, but would have apologized for offending them none the less.  Fortunately, the elder that informed me also drank and cursed, so I was ok.  But it was the damn principle of the thing.  Come on friends, we are all in this together.  When you don’t speak in a Christ-like manner I don’t rat you out to your spouses boss. I’m not holy.  I’m not perfect.  I’m real.  And I’m just trying my best to get thru this thing called life.


The Inappropriate Pastor’s Wife

Shall We Begin?


It’s a Sunday afternoon and I’m drinking my cup of coffee.  Don’t ask me what number this is for the day…. I truly couldn’t tell you.  My family is sleeping after a crazy day of Sunday events that always take place when you’re married to a pastor.  For years I have always wanted to share the truth about being a pastors wife or just my own personal feelings, but heaven forbid we do that….the whole damn church might fall apart.  Why you ask?  Because as a pastors wife it’s my job to love others, smile, wave like a frickin princess.  My feelings and thoughts are not wanted.  Every other person in the church is allowed to share their feelings….but not me.  I can’t say that we cater to the old folks or that someone was rude as hell.  No, I’m supposed to suck it up because I’m married to the pastor.  I can’t post my views on social media because that would cause my husband lots of extra headaches to deal with…. and by that I mean spiritually immature individuals who want to have their pastors and their wives conservative republicans or holy and pious because wasn’t Jesus a white, middle class, Republican?  No…. I don’t get to be frustrated with the church or people.  I have to smile, wave and act like everything is fine despite church politics,  or that the pastor went 2 minutes over his sermon time and we didn’t get out right at noon.  Friends, I’ve waited a long time to write this blog, but the day is here.  I have enough content to keep us going quite a while, but I thought I would let you know that this blog is not for the faint of heart.

I plan to use the entire English vocabulary – curse words and all – gasp!  And you might even hear me talk about politics!  But I can assure you of one thing ….and that is that I will not be fake.  I will not hold my tongue and I will not act like everything is ok.  I don’t get to share my feelings as the regular pastor’s wife because if I did …. well my husband might not have a job.  So this space gives me anonymity and lets me use that sailor mouth my mother taught me and yet would gasp if she actually heard me speak it.  I do plan on mostly talking about love and Jesus and hypocrisy that I want to address ….So thanks for joining me.  Feel free to leave comments – but if their nasty… I probably won’t read them.