I feel like social media is the place that we share all of the great things we have going on in our lives, but very rarely are we honest and raw and share our failure. The beauty about being in a relationship with Jesus is that the more we grow in relationship with Him the more He refines us. He gets rid of the junk and makes us more and more like Him.
Over the past few weeks I had been feeling this nudging on my heart about how I treat my daughter. I feed her, clean her and have fun with her sometimes, but I have not treasured her the way I should. I am quick to speak and slow to be patient which does not work well when you’re the parent of a toddler.
I recently read a post about how a mother had stolen her daughters joy and how her children were fearful and had anxiety almost all the time. They walked on egg shells around her “afraid to upset mom”. I realized I had become that way. Working full time and carrying for a strong will daughter had me maxed out. But instead of taking a deep breath and holding my daughters hand and calming her through that tantrum or event….I did the opposite. I would yell, get frustrated or walk off. The culmination came when I read a paper sent home from school with questions asking my daughter about me. Most of them were hilarious, but one question said, “When is your mom happiest?”, her response….”I don’t know.” Ya’ll it broke me. I literally started crying in a Starbucks. My daughter is what makes me happiest, and she doesn’t know it. And why would she? I haven’t told her that. I certainly haven’t shown her that. That day I decided I had to change. That I would be leaving a different legacy for my daughter.
I would value time with her over cleaning the house. I can clean it when she’s gone at college. I would hold her hands and take deep breaths with her when she’s frustrated and overwhelmed with life instead of fussing at her. I would hold her more and let her leave hugs first. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Motherhood is a journey. It is not something learned over night. Fortunately, I have been blessed with watching many amazing mama’s (both with children and mama’s who serve in mama roles but don’t necessarily have children) over the past couple years to emulate and learn from. I literally have a group of girlfriends that bring their kids over to eat and parent together. Usually about half of them take a bath at my house and slip on jammies before the evening is over. This time has been precious to me. I’ve got to learn from each one of them. How patient and loving they are. So to you ladies, thank you for showing me a method of parenting that reflects Christ’s love. Thank you dear sisters for being my tribe.
So at this point you’re probably wondering what this has to do with wooden spoons. Since moving back to the States, we started going to a local farmers market every Saturday morning, Folk music plays, coffee is drank, fresh vegetables are purchased and my daughter is always eating a bag of kettle corn. It’s not just a ritual, but so good for my soul. I can’t exactly describe it, but it’s magical. So this past Saturday, while my husband was sick in bed, my daughter and I made our way to the farmers market. We went to our usual places, but a new vendor caught my eye, a wood worker who made wooden spoons. I carefully picked up a few spoons and eyed them. Each one was unique and beautiful. The artist told me that these would last a long time and if taken care of would make great family heirlooms. And right then and there I knew what I wanted for Mother’s Day. A wooden spoon. I picked an English style spoon (the one on the right) and left with so much excitement about what that spoon meant for me. It meant I would be leaving a new legacy for my daughter. A legacy where my daughter would remember me with love. A mother that was kind and patient. And some day, when I’m gone, she would have those spoons to cook with and remember so many memories filled with love.
This Mother’s Day was different for me. I sat in church and felt more at peace with motherhood than I ever have before. And that is only because of Jesus. So why do I share all of this with you? Because I believe as Christians we are to be vulnerable. I don’t want people to look at my social media accounts and only see a highlight real. I want people to see growth and redemption that only comes from Jesus. Thanks for reading.
The Inappropriate Pastor’s Wife
Ps.s if you’re wondering why there are three spoons – I ended up losing the first spoon I bought. So distressed I contacted the artist, met him at his shop and bought 3!